A Day in the Life of the Dark Lord
by Herarion9
Summary: CRACK-FIC So I'm pretty much gonna be the best dark wizard ever. And this is my diary. I don't own any of this!
1. Chapter 1

I wake up every morning feeling like P-Diddy. Wait, I'm not Ke$ha! I'm Voldemort! So actually when I woke up I put on my black corset and a matching black mini skirt, fishnets, and black combat boots. And if you don't believe me go ask Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Ravenway who stole all of her clothes because she will probably say Voldemort. If she dosen't she is da lyin ho. I am totally goff in case you couldn't tell. I am contemplating making all of my death eaters dress this way. So I pretty much just wanted to tell all of my peeps out there (Hey Bella!) about my life. So it is pretty much the same as any other dark lords (Shout out to my brotha from anotha motha, Sauron)

I wake up and eat a head sized bowl of pork rinds which is pretty much the only thing I ever eat, unless I go to my bfff's house then we eat count chocula. (Best cereal eva bitches!) I then realize I forgot to put in my belly button ring so I do. It is black with a dolphin on it. That is my patronus which is pretty usless becuz dolphins can't swim in air. DUH. I make sure my entire appartment smells like death and then I turn on my gramaphone which I have my favorite Marilyn Manson record on it. And then I call Lu and Bella to come over for a dance partay! Lu says he is busy as shit cuz he's got a son and stuff but I said if he didn't get his arse over at my place pronto I would Avada Kadavra the shit out of his wife.

So Lu and Bella show up and we dance, which is pretty much bangin our fists, until effin tea time when we have to stop. I eat more pork rinds and send home my bfffs. I have a big day coming up tomorrowz. I have to blow Harry Potter'z brains out. I am all like, Harry Potter's gotta die. So I get all nervous and I eat more pork rinds. I actually am so nervous. I'll have to get out my smoking stuff. Yeah, I smoke unicorn blood. Got a problem wif dat? I think it lasts longer than drinking it. I make sure my house retains it's dead smell and then I go out. I have a collection of pollyjuice potions so I can like leave my house wifout people bein like "ahhh that's voldemort." so thats pretty much my day so I will see you tomorrowz.


	2. Chapter 2

So today I was supposed to kill Harry Potter but I was able to do something better, I killed Edward Cullen. Yes, sparkley, vampire Edward Cullen. I wasn't planning it but when the moment came I killed that blood sucking son of a bitch. Here's how it went down.

So I had Barty set up a portkey. It was the Triwizard cup. Barty did everything he could to get Harry Potter and Harry Potter alone to that cup. But he FAILED. Because I am such a forgiving Dark Lord, I spared his life. JK! It's because I couldn't get it him before that gay ass creep Dumbledore. Anyway Harry wasn't alone he brought a friend. A sparkly, vampire, Edward of a friend. I was not going to miss my opportunity to kill the single most irritating douche bag ever. So that is what I did. I then went home being all new because of my horcruxes and had Pettigrew feed me pork rinds. SO MANY PORK RINDS, SO LITTLE TIME!

I also wanted to mention that a gave Ebony her clothes back. They were sooo yesterday! (I did keep the fishnets though. No one has to know I wear out of style clothes) I am back to wizarding robes. I feel they will give me a more responsible look but I am making Bella wear the corset. So chic!

I have also decided that I want to get a pet. I think I will get a snake but I am open to suggestions so please comment with you ideas. I will also be opening auditions for new death eaters. I ask you come with a musical number prepared. Sheet music for the pianist would be nice too. Anything from Funny Girl will do and don't forget, I love a good triple threat so I would love a dancer or actor in the mix too. If you can't do any of these things you should still show up and try because dedication and enthusiasm might be enough to get you through.

Also, a word out there to any mudbloods, YOU SUCK. Just saying. I find it necessary to get that out of my system every once in a while. I know this is off topic too but Happy Birthday Sauron! While we're on the topic of off topic I was watching Dead Poet's society this morning and I wondered, does anyone else cry when Neil kills himself? I have no problem taking other's lives but whenever someone takes there own life I weep for humanity. Anyway, that's all I got. Peace out my peeps!


	3. Chapter 3

Wassup bitches?! I am so pumped! Three peeps are reading this! What now Dumbledore. No one reads your shit! So no one gave me any ideas for a pet so I did get a snake. :D I named it Nagini. Ain't that a bangin name?! It just came to me in a dream last night. The dream was pretty sweet.

It started with Napolean Dynomite dancing for Pedro's campaign. Then I booed him off stage because he sucked, and I got up there and got my groove on! I did all of the cool moves like the pepto bismol and the shoplifter and all that awesome shit. I called Lu and Bella to help me but they were of torturing some awkward kids parents so I was cool with riding solo. Then someone siad "Get off the stage you idiot!" so I killed him. then I was all like "Anyone else?" and some guy in the audience said "Kill Nagini!" so I killed him instead for being an asshole. Then I woke up.

I am a little worried I am binge eating in my sleep because I've gained like, 15 lbs since last year. Of course, last year I was just a horcrux. All of my horcruxes are pretty deep and meaningful cuz they were from my Hoggy days. I had some pretty good times out at Hogwarts. For example I threw darts at Ms. Norris. Sometimes I would talk to Rubeus about magical creatures. I was pretty popular then too. I think Slughorn had a crush on me or something because he would tell me anything. Even about the horcruxes that would make me the most powerful wizard eva!

So I eat a lot of pork rinds so if I just sat on my computer all day eating pork rinds I would not have any time to conquer the world so I kidnapped Steve Jobs to write me a program that orders pork rinds. Yeah, he didn't really die. He is just living in my basement along with Sir Paul McCartney and Nagini. I will also be flying over West Virginia in a saucer like craft. The american people are so gullible. It it's in a disc shape and it flies it MUST BE THE ALIENS!

I also just gave blood to my local blood bank. Which means Harry Potter also gave blood to a local blood bank. Harry Potter is saving lives. He needs to die! Now Harry Potter's blood can live on in some sick person. Ughhh! Now I have to kill whoever gets his blood. I'll be back. I have to go to the hospital. Buh Bye Peeps!

A/N

Hey! So I am really pleased with all of the great reviews! I really appreciate all of the poitive feedback! I just wanted to know if there was anything you would like to see done in this fanfic. Just leave any suggestion in the comments and I will definitley consider using them! Thanks!


	4. Chapter 4

I am really disappointed in my readers. "Why?" you might ask. Becuz someone recentlyy came up to me in public. (I waz in disguise) and said.

"I've been reading Voldemort's diary online and it is really dumb. I have no idea why people read that shit"

I then tortured him until he said I was AWESOME! I admit I love to torture people when I am in other's forms. No one suspects a little girl would torture them. :D Recently I was also been made fun of for not having a nose. I cut off his nose. Hahaha! Sucker.

I've been eating a lot of pork rinds recently, but I am now getting into cheddar flavored pork rinds (PORK RINDS!) mixed with Cheetos. YUM! Talking about it makes me hungry now. I think I will have some. Oh wait this is Lu's PC. I can't get cheese powder on it. He'd kill me. JK! He can't kill me and I do what I want!

Now, my peeps. I have the new deatheater list available. It will be found at the bottom of this entry. I would like to thank everybody who came and tried out! You are all talented and special in your own way. JK! You guys who didn't make it suck ASS! I want you all to know that you failed because you aren't good enough for anything. HAHAHA!

Now I want to add something new to my diary where I tell you 5 things that piss me off. :D  
-Harry Potter  
-When people underestimate my AWESOME POWER  
-When people call me Moldywart  
-Fox News  
-Puppies

I haven't been up to much but I do think about crazy things like, Magiccare stopped covering Dumbledore because he was past the age limit of 120. I laughed. Now I can take off his leg and HE will have to pay the medical expenses. HA! I am soo evil. :D

I am kinda bored so I am going to call Bella and Lu now. I'll tell you how it goes tomorrow. I am pretty sure we will just dance and eat and stuff and I hope she tells me how torturing that awkward kids parents went. Lu is going to let his son try out for deatheater soon so I will try and convince him to let him try this time anyway.

Here is the list of the new death eaters  
-Nannyandpotocrazy (I applaud your performance of My Man)  
-cutteypuffgirl  
-Irene  
-Tom Cruise, inventor of the hoverround chair

I will see you all tomorrow. And I really mean I will see you. I see everyone. They just don't see me. ;)

**A/N **

**I don't own anything I write about except some ideas but feel free to steal them because I don't really care. If you get published with my idea though I need you to tell me simply so I know that I had an awesome idea... REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N  
****Sorry 'bout tanking so long to update. I've been busy. But, HEY! Enjoy this new chapter!**

So yesterday with Bella, I had an awesome partay! We ate pork rinds and we banged our fists. It was effin sweet. Just, saying. Don't want to make anybody feel bad about not having an awesome party but... Jk! Yes I am! You all suck! I hate everyone! Haahahahaaaha! Bitches I want you all to know that you are all special in your very own way, but in the offensive way! Hahahahah losers. I have a lot to do tomorrow. I am going to visit my old school! Hogwarts get ready for some breakin into. I want to kill get Dumbledore and steal his wand and steal Harry's cloak so I can be all powerful. I am also taking spelling lessons so I think I am getting better.

Nagini did the funniest thing last night after Bella went home. She ate a whole witch, or should I say a whole bitch. She was some stupid first year. She just talked all of the time, what I like to call "Diarrhea of the Mouth" Then I was all like "My snake is gonna eat ur ass" and she was like "My mom is an Auror and she'll find you and kill you." She was wrong. I killed her family. (Insert evil laughter "Mwahahahaha")

Note: I still feel like P-Diddy. Mudbloods suck. I rule. When asked Pepsi or Coke I say "Die Bitch! Avada kadavra!" Harry Potter must die. My favorite T.V. show is Project Runway (on Lifetime on Thursdays). I am currently wearing fishnets. I only need one-ply tissues because my nose produces very little mucus. I've never sweat in my entire life. I've only watched Dirty Dancing 47 times. I am the greatest wizard of all time! Sometimes I change my figure into a girl and I play junior high volleyball. Some of the girls suspect I am someone else though cuz I am so much better than the girl! YES BITCHES!

So I'm gonna go talk to Sev. but here are a couple of those things I wanted to add to my diary plus some new ones. :O

**Things that piss me off:  
**Kittens  
House flies  
Politics  
Weddings  
Peace  
One Direction (The Beatles were so much better. It's a shame I killed John Lennon, or at least I imperioed some muggle to kill him.)  
HARRY POTTER

**Things I eat:  
**Pork rinds  
Count Choccula  
Mentholated Coughdrops  
Unicorn Blood

**Things I kill:  
**Everything (Mwahahahaha)


End file.
